I will be the first one to admit the the past is a nice place to visit but not to stay. Unfortunately, I was guilty in looking back when it was too little and too late.
We were now a family of five and the jokes about going from a man to man defense to a zone were getting really old. As matter of fact, the world of Autism had zero defense. There was no scheme that could prepare us for what we were embarking on. Rubin island was no picnic.
I remember picking Sawyer up at the after school program that he attended. There were kids his age. They were running around on the playground. I saw the excitement in their eyes that they were outdoors. I heard the laughter of climbing structures. I felt childhood like I expected it to be.
I had it before. I lived it. I breathed it. I lost it.
It was gone as I looked for Sawyer. I just hoped he would be a part of the action. I wanted to walk onto the playground and feel the past in the present. I wanted it for me.
There he was though. All by himself. It was like a hermit in exile. There was no laughter either. All I could see was someone different than the rest. It wasn’t fair.
What was fair? Was it fair that I wanted Sawyer to experience the childhood that his brother and sister had? Was it fair that he was perfectly content swinging while I wasn’t?
Our little family had grown up but it was me who needed to also.