In 2011, Sawyer was born. I felt like I just wanted to rush him out of the hospital and get on with our family. I wanted no part of what I had already experienced with our two oldest children who were born in 2006 and 2008. That was my mindset.
I was numb to the nurses coming into the room. I was numb to the picture of Sawyer’s foot print. I had morphed into a father who wanted the closing of the curtain of a school play. I had zero appreciation or concept of the moment.
The love was there. Somewhere amongst my lifeless affect, it existed. I didn’t panic. I knew it was a rut. I suffered from just expecting what was to come.
However, it was a missed opportunities that I’ll never get back. I didn’t understand the opportunity of bringing another child into our world simply because I had already been a part of it twice.
What an awful feeling to carry with oneself. Imagine looking back and missing out on what was so precious? To this day, it bothers me.
Fast forward to now and my rut was on me. I’m not the same. Sawyer being autistic opened my eyes. I once would see a blue sky as blue. I now recognize the different shades and what the clouds can appear to be.
As I approached this summer, I was focused on moments. I refused to lose track of the importance of recognizing one.
I have seen a boy who held onto the side of the pool now jump off the diving board.
I have traveled to plays with him as he expresses how excited he is to be there to see a show.
I watched him conquer a zip line up north as he flew above ground like a superhero.
These are successes that would be for anyone regardless of their challenges.
You may have thought you once knew me? However, I am still learning myself.