The ride home from Dr. Pinto’s office was met with tears and silence. It may have been early in the morning but it felt like it should be time for bed. All I could feel was my tight grip around my steering wheel as my wife, Kellie had tears falling down her beautiful eyes. The eyes that comforted me so many times during the course of our marriage.
Sawyer was bundled up in his orange coat. He looked out his window while chomping on his chocolate covered raisins. The day was no different to him as the announcement of Autism couldn’t interfere with his mission to snack. Unbeknownst to him, his parents had no words to share, no idea of comfort, and no idea what would be next.
We got home to an empty house. Our two older children were at school. Evelyn, age 7 and Cobe, age 5 were living their lives in normalcy. They knew of special needs but like us, never lived in it. We had approximately 4 and a half hours to appear to be fine before they got home. The clock was ticking and after years waiting to hear Autisum, once it arrived on our doorstep, we had short time to process it within our home.
All I could do was sit on my red couch. The red couch that I would sink in since 2004. The couch that I first held Evelyn in my arms when we brought all 5lbs of her home for the first time. The same couch that my Dad came to tell me that he and my mother would be divorcing after over 30 years of marriage. The same couch that I attempted to correct reading assessments during my first year of teaching 4th grade.
This moment was different. There was no place to hide. All 3,000 square feet of our home woudn’t be enough. All I could do is feel my heartrate accelarte to a place it never has been before. Our lives were going to change and I had no answers because I didn’t even know the questions that I even should be asking, All my moments that I used humor to offset a serious moment had vanished. I didn’t know what to do. I was empty.
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