Going under

As I went back to work, I had about 20 minutes until the students walked in the door.  I had zero problems separating work and home.  Once the bell rang, I was Mr. Rubin. For those 20 minutes, I was just Jon.

I thought about holding Sawyer for the first time. It was like playing with house money.  I already had two beautiful, healthy, and happy children.  They reached all of their milestones whether it be walking, talking, playing, and making friends. It was all par for the course as I thought it was automatic that he would do the same.

I was on autopilot in my thinking.  Even from the moment that the doctors told us that he had hypospadias and he would need a surgical procedure in the coming months, I just looked at it as it was not a big deal.

In the grand scheme of things, it was minor.  He had surgery months later.  He recovered.  We moved on.  

The problem was I moved on and just didn’t see the significance of what was happening.  My baby was having surgery.  He was going to be under anesthesia.  He would be on an operating table as we waited.  

As Kellie looked at me, I wasn’t the person she needed me to be.  My attitude was supportive as I was there but I wasn’t present.  I had realized that we were in a way divided.  It was a path I continued for many years after.

I didn’t understand how to be Sawyer’s dad or Kellie’s husband.  I was under the impression that I knew who I was, I was under the notion that I would figure it out, I was under a rock in terms of reality.  The crawling out seemed too deep to overcome.  I was in fact just under.

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