Within a matter of weeks, my desire to find something to carry me towards hope was dwindling. The things that I enjoyed faded regardless if it was working out in the morning hours or chatting with those close to me. The things I looked forward to seemed like chores. I just wanted the time to pass until I could get my feet back under me again.
I was given space by those around me. However, I felt like an outsider. I felt like I had autism on my forehead along with a laundry list of my insecurities that were all my own doing. If I were a movie, I would have turned away from the disaster which I had become.
Sawyer on the other hand was his happy self. He strutted around the house in his pajamas. There were his innocent moments of resting on a pillow to gulp his milk. Or the pantry door being opened every minute as he tried to reach for his bag of chocolate raisins. His world was his own as I stared at him to decipher what his world was.
In need to come out of exile, I thought our family needed a spark. Our 10 year wedding anniversary arrived and I arranged for Kellie and I to bring the kids to the site where we got married. It was my desperate attempt to unify us in a way that could carry us in a time of need. I hoped that it could be a reminder that our family was whole regardless of what we were facing.
So there we were. 10 years later. The same venu. The same sunshine that we said our vows. A moment that pictures were snapped and would reside around our home. This time with our three children who we dreamed of having. It was our moment to connect.
As the five of us posed for pictures and all the efforts to get Sawyer to smile. It reminded me that regardless of where we were, we were together. We made it here. For the first time in weeks, throughout the questions, through the tears, I was awoken.