Stuck in neutral 

Coming off the emotional high of celebrating our anniversary was just what I felt that our family needed.  We had a day of laughter, reminiscing of our day of union, stories of those who had passed, and the thoughtfulness of many who we had heard from throughout the day.

It was a reminder that we forgot about ourselves, our marriage, and even our other two children in some respects.  It was humbling that just the diagnosis of Autism made me generate tunnel vision in a way that I couldn’t comprehend.

It was like I was looking at a painting of our family with a crowd of friends and though we were looking at the exact same thing, we viewed the painting entirely different.  

I had a fear that I’d spend the rest of my life explaining what I saw.  It was that scary.  It was that overwhelming.  As many times, I’d tell myself that I could handle what was to come, I had my doubts.  I had my vision of what could be.  I had my vision of what would be. 

This is where my thought process went for me.  Even a day of celebration would turn into darkness by night.  As much as I thought I could handle the emotion, I found myself in one giant circle of sadness with hidden tears. 

How could I have wasted such a wonderful day by the unknown? How did I get to a place that I couldn’t fully enjoy the moment because of what I couldn’t control?  If it was a time for me to be shaken awake; I don’t know if it was possible.  I was stuck in neutral and waiting to break through my internal roadblocks. 

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