Looking back hurts

It may have been months later on the calendar but the knowledge that was the now ruined my past.  I just couldn’t escape the thought of how difficult life was for Sawyer prior to us getting his diagnosis.  If sleeping wasn’t a challenge enough as thoughts ran rapid the moment my head hit the pillow, I just couldn’t run away from the guilt.

I couldn’t stop thinking about our trip to Disney World as a family.  The place that families look to as the most magical place on earth.  However, for the Rubin family, it felt like a forced venture.  

Nothing seemed quite right that February for us.  It was almost like we were checking a box on what families do together rather than the pure joy of a vacation to a dream destination for all families. 

I would say that it was initially a rush of excitement once we got on the plane, once we landed, once we got our colored Disney bands. However, the moment we got into our room, we were an exhausted bunch and our trip hadn’t even started.

From the moment we got on our shuttle to the park, Sawyer cried.  He was scared.  I didn’t know why, and all we could do was hold him.  My only guess was that we took him away from his comfort of home and since he had very little to communicate with us, he was at a loss to tell us what he needed.

All I could think about was this little boy who loved Mickey Mouse, had zero interest in the place where Mickey lived.  All he wanted to do was go home and not get out of his stroller.

I felt for him.   I felt like we were trying to make him enjoy something that he didn’t ask for.  The amount of guilt I had as he cried while eating his goldfish in his stroller while his brother and sister laughed, went on rides, got their faces painted, was just brutal.

I may not have known that he was Autistic during that trip but I knew that something was there.  I knew that he didn’t enjoy the trip and I made him go.  It broke my heart at the time and carried with me months later.  It hurts to look back though I was fighting to move forward.

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