If it wasn’t making sounds for chocolate raisins, it would be going outside to swing. If it wasn’t wanting milk, it would be to watch Mickey Mouse. If it wasn’t standing and asking for the garage door to open, it was waiting for us to take Sawyer for a car ride. If he couldn’t play in the basement, it would be a walk in the stroller. This was our existence. It never stopped from the moment he got up until the moment he slept.
If there was a wish for independence, it was so far down the road that even my 20/200 vision would never see it anyways. It was pretty obvious to me that the quirkiness of Autism was something that I’d just have to get used to.
It really didn’t matter what was happening on a day to day basis. The Rubin family was a family of 5 but most days it felt like we were under a Sawyer umbrella. If we could help him be engaged in his day than everything would work out for the other 4 of us.
If there were eggshells to walk on, I didn’t feel it. I just looked at is as normal for our family. Those who saw us just looked at him as another 3 year old. One who just had different interests. I just felt it was a challenge and some days were easier than others.
This is what I would tell people during the moment but this was far from being honest. I struggled each and everyday for a long time. There were many of days that I didn’t want to be home and deal with the repetitiveness. There were plenty of times that I felt like I was an awful person for even having any thoughts of frustration or sadness.
I was exhausted and I continued to focus on the I rather than what my family needed from me. Looking back, my own struggles didn’t help us. As matter of fact, my wife, Kellie had to manage 4 of us rather than working together on just 3. It was a position of darkness that I couldn’t see at the time.
I was going around the clock trying to get through the day but that was the problem. I was only thinking of the I and not we.