Where did that guy go?

I had a bookshelf in my living room.  It was crowded of books that had genres tipping like dominoes.  To stop the curve of texts, I would insert folder after folder of Sawyer’s assessments.  In less than 6 months, each book would get back to its standing position as the paper trail would not end.

I was and still awful at filing things.  Certainly not a model of putting things away in chronological order.  As matter of fact, I start off really strong until I have more than one thing to sort.  This would lead to be a problem if Kellie asked me to find something she needed.

I’d go back to that shelf and it was like an adult sized scavenger hunt.  You’d be amazed on how difficult it would be to find something that you put away yourself.  Luckily for me, I got really good at it.  

Unbeknownst to me that this was a problem.  Kellie needed my support and I just wasn’t attentive like I should have been.  Not finding a report or document on call at that moment seemed non essential.  It was non essential to me because I knew Sawyer had Autism.  I didn’t feel like I needed to read about it anymore.

This was a serious problem for us.  Being supportive was very much practiced at a surface level.  I didn’t do enough to be there for Kellie.  I didn’t ask enough questions nor did I know what to ask.  

I’d bury myself into my work.  I’d bury myself into what others needed of me.  I just felt like my efforts weren’t good enough.  It was a self defeating cycle and all because I couldn’t control what was happening in my life.

It was like Autism took me to another dimension.  It took me away from the guy who would play with his kids as toddlers.  It took me away from everything I thought I knew about having a family, being married, or even being my best self.  I had zero clue where the guy with a smile at all times went?  Where did that guy go? 

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