Why am I autistic?

Why am I autistic?  It’s a loaded question.  It is not one I thought I would hear from Sawyer yet.  Actually,  I still haven’t heard it directly.  It was directed to my wife, Kellie.  She did respond.  In her soft, direct, and in a nurturing way, she was able to share that he was born this way.  His brain just works different.

When Kellie asked if he was OK being autistic? Sawyer said he was and that was fine.  Case closed.  A give and take conversation in a moment.  If there was a hurdle, Kellie jumped over it with him.  She didn’t knock it over nor did she run around it.

Why am I autistic?

I on the other hand am struggling with my own response.  What if he asks me next? It is like in the movie, Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams plays the role of a therapist.  As Williams explains to Matt Damon’s character who is a troubled foster child that he doesn’t know the life that he has lived by reading the book, Oliver Twist.

In my case, I can’t answer the question of what Sawyer is asking based on what I have read or been told.

Why am I autistic?

I don’t know the answer.  I don’t search for answers.  I don’t wish for answers.  This is who I am.  However, whatever I am may need to rethink my take.  Sawyer being autistic is who he is.  He is entitled to understanding the why, if that is important to him.

Why am I autistic?

I only see Sawyer.  He is autistic.  His brain works differently than others.  He can see things I can’t see.  He learns in ways that I don’t understand.  He hugs me by leaning into me.  He loves routine.  He loves our family.  He is now showing me how he loves himself.

Why am I autistic?

Sawyer, we will find out together.

One response to “Why am I autistic?”

  1. Donna Lapierre Avatar
    Donna Lapierre

    I have had to answer many of these same questions but having the opposite approach with my child dealing with his diagnosis with learning struggles and ADHD… all he has ever wanted was to do was be like everyone else. I had to teach him acceptance of who he is not why he is the way he is.
    His classmates did not accept him for years and we had many calls from issues at school where he was bullied. It wasn’t until he found a passion and worked incredibly hard at it and became really good at it where he earned the respect and friendship from others. This is why sports can make all the difference in someone’s life. It has been really difficult all of these years. I can’t believe we have made it to this point.


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